Dear dirty, little, sneak thief,
You think it takes a big person to steal a yard-art cement goose in seasonal costume from someone’s front yard, (around December first). Actually it takes the smallest person in the world. You are probably the same pond scum that stole our neighbors deep sea diving helmet from his front yard about a year ago. That was something he wore in his naval career, serving our country, and proudly displayed in his yard afterward. I suppose you sold it for a couple of dollars at a scrap metal yard. If you had any intelligence, you would realize that a goose with one seasonal costume (a hand-knitted Santa suit) would have others to display throughout the year. My wife dearly loved that goose, and knitted many of its costumes and purchased others. You should stop by and I will give them to you along with another small token of my esteem.
I suppose you stole our goose for your sweetheart or your Mommy, and told them you purchased it at a garage sale. When they read this letter and tell you to take it back, come on over … the above still applies. You know where we live.