Time to fork over your spoons to the feds

By From page A5 | January 28, 2013

EDITOR: The facts are finally in about the epidemic of obesity in America. The common assumptions of inactivity, too much screen time, lack of exercise, genetics, and poor diet has been proven invalid, according to leading research.

The proven reason for this very serious ailment is the fork and spoon. More precise is the size of each. A tablespoon will hold  three times the amount of food than a teaspoon, therefore equal to three times the caloric intake. A dinner fork with 2 inch tines as compared to a salad fork with 1 ¼ inch tines will scoop close to twice the quantity of food. Very scary.

To combat this horrific epidemic the federal government has established a task force to stop obesity forever. This task force is comprised of experts in the field of obesity as well as selected politicians.

Their recommendations are as follows:
1. No private citizen shall have forks with tines greater than 1 ¼ inches in their possession.
2. No private citizen shall have tablespoons in their possession.
3. All permitted forks and spoons in each household shall be registered with
both state and federal agencies.
4. A Website, available to the public, will have the name and address of each registered large tine fork and tablespoon in each state.

Exceptions to the above recommendations will only be waived for trained professionals such as personal trainers, coaches, PE teachers, and any other persons deemed trained as per federal guidelines.

Schools may request blanket exemptions if they provide White House-approved menus. This exemption would be reviewed quarterly and could be rescinded by executive order.

Individual citizens may petition for larger forks and spoons only after a thorough background check has been completed. The checks will include but are not limited to previous bouts with over weight episodes in their past.

Over weight will be defined by established federal guidelines. A complete physical will also be required at time of request. The successful petitioner will have a waiting period of no less than 10 days to receive their permit. In addition an annual physical will be required to make sure the permit holder is not in an over weight episode. Any non-compliance will result in immediate confiscation of any large forks or spoons in possession of permit holder.

In conclusion, with the above recommendations obesity in America will be a thing of the past.

I always knew the individual was not to be blamed.


Pollock Pines

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