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Heard over the back fence: Totally fun column

By From page B1 | October 16, 2013

UNIQUE COLUMN TODAY:
I just returned from vacation at Pismo Beach, so I decided to give myself and our readers a break from dates, times, fundraisers, etc. The purpose of today’s column is to lighten your day and hopefully create a smile during your morning coffee.

ABOUT MARRIAGE: “She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.”

“She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, ‘Am I too late for the garbage?’ The driver said, ‘No, jump in!’”

“Remember: Marriage is the No. 1 cause of divorce.”

“I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.’”

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”

“We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.”

Red Skelton’s Recipe for a Happy Marriage:
Paul and Wendy Chafer provided the following Red Skelton recipes:
 “She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, ‘There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!’ So I bought her an electric chair.”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

“The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, ‘What’s on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’”

T-SHIRT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:
 John Chapman provided the following T-shirt statements:
 “Uncle: Like a dad, only cooler!”

“If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect . . . Why Practice?”

“Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.” 

PICK YOUR FAVORITE T-SHIRT: “I’m Not Short. I’m Fun Size!”

“I’m Not A Pessimist – I’m an optimist with experience.”

“It’s Not All About Me. But Mostly It Is.”

“Do the math – Count your blessings.”

“I’m Not Lazy, I’m Cat-Like.”

“I’m Perfect. You Adjust.”

BUMPER STICKERS:  “I Hate Four Letter Words Like – COOK, BAKE, DUST, WASH.”

“I have reached the age where all I exercise is caution.”

“If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher . . . If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran.”

“Sometimes when I’m alone I Google MYSELF.”

LIFE LESSONS – AT ALL AGES:
 The “Live and Learn and Pass It On” book provided by Clara Neilsen offers the following life lessons: “I learned that goldfish don’t like JELLO.” — Age 5;

“I’ve learned that happiness is like perfume: You can’t give it away without getting a little on yourself.” — Age 59

“I’ve learned that the exact size drill bit I need is always the one that’s missing from the set.” — Age 46

“I’ve learned that you should treasure your children for what they are, not for what you want them to be.” — Age 39;

“I’ve learned that there is something more painful than hate. It’s indifference.”— Age 62;

“I’ve learned that beyond a certain comfortable style of living, the more material things you have, the less freedom you have.” — Age 62

CHOCOLATE PSYCHOLOGY: 
Neil Pfafman of Placerville provided the following chocolate statement: “If you can’t eat all of your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer; but if you can’t eat all your chocolate, that may be a sign of a deeper problem.”

A DEFINITION OF “GENIUS”: 
John Bruno provided the following “Positive Quote of the Day:” “Genius is eternal patience.” — Michelangelo Di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni (1475-1564) Italian sculptor and painter

A VERY GOOD QUESTION: 
An unknown person dropped off the following “Some Good Questions! Why?” “Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery?’”

Send your jokes and event items for Heard Over the Back Fence column three weeks in advance to Bob Billingsley at the Mountain Democrat, PO Box 1088, Placerville 95667, or drop them off at 2889 Ray Lawyer Dr. First and last name of contact person are required. Phone 530-344-5036. Follow @BBillingsleyMtDemo on Twitter.

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.
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