Billingsley’s bullets: Being stupid comes easy for some people

By From page A4 | November 8, 2010

Bob Billingsley

We are back from our annual sojourn to Pismo Beach – tanner and more fit.  As tradition dictates, I brought back new T-shirt statements and some of my favorite signs observed as follows:

“There’s no need to act stupid, even though you’re really good at it.”

“Who are those kids, and why are they calling me Mom?”

“Don’t throw your cigarette butts on the ground.  The seagulls are getting cancer.”

“Caution … There is a tree behind you and it will not move for you.”

“Wine and friends … the older they get the better they become.”

“Simplicity is the essence of sophistication.”

“Being at the beach does not give you the right to be crabby.”

“I love to give homemade gifts … which one of my kids would you like?”

“Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.” – Mark Twain.

“It’s been Monday all week.”

“Your IQ test came back negative”

• Most of us probably agree that a relationship needs to get off to a good start if love is to prevail. I recommend to all the men out there that you do not say the following statements on the first date:

“You remind me of my third wife and her mother.”

“Are you a natural blonde?”

“I believe in Dutch treat, unless your dinner costs more.”

“You look better with your glasses on.”

“You look better with my glasses off.”

“It’s great to be out of prison.”

“Before you fall in love with me, I need to know how you feel about abortion, illegal immigrants, gun control, the Afghanistan war and sleeping in separate beds.”

A woman should not say the following statements on the first date:

“How long have you been obese?”

“So far you have mispronounced three items on the menu.”

“Is this your idea of a fun date?”

“Are you OK with asking the waiter for separate tables?”

“I’m sorry … what was your last name?”

“You appear very nervous … is it me?”

“What time is it?”

• A very negative person can be helpful in your life.  After an hour or two with this person you know exactly what type of person you do not want to be.

Extremely negative people help you to appreciate the upbeat, optimistic people who are a part of your life.

If you are very patient with negative people and never challenge their doomsday philosophy, it probably means they have won you over to their viewpoint or they have hammered you so long that there is no longer any energy or will left to fight back. If you give up or give in, humor doesn’t exist anymore for both of you, and hope is a very distant cousin. I am sorry that you died inside before your heart stopped beating.

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.
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