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Billingsley’s Bullets: Being ‘always right’ is wrong

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From page A4 | October 25, 2013 | 13 Comments

In his book “Real Magic,” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer states, “Relinquish your need to be right. This is the single greatest cause of difficulties and deterioration in relationships — the need to make the other person wrong, or to make yourself right. To win the argument.”

• When you are obsessed with always being right, it means your ego has taken over your decision-making process. Other people’s needs or desires are not important to the egomaniacs. The idea that love begins when you get outside yourself is foreign to the ego addict.

• When you must always get your way or always win, you are not interested in mutual sharing of ideas or thoughts. You are interested in victory. You must get in the last word, and you will not give in until the last word belongs to you.

• Ego addicts believe they win when they get in the last word. How can you be a winner if the other person is hurt or angry or frustrated when the conversation is finished?

• No one enjoys being controlled or dominated. When one person dominates a relationship completely, the passive partner is frustrated and collects anger stamps until they get fed up with always giving in. Eventually they may give up emotionally and sexually.

• To always win with words does not create a relationship where hugs, kisses or intimacy prevails. When one person loses this identity, they also lose wherever joy is left in their love, and they may seek love elsewhere.

• The “I must win” person often brings that attitude into relationships outside the marriage. Their ego lives in other personal relationships. Most friendships do not last if arguments occur on a regular basis. Nobody enjoys losing all the time.

• The best friendships I have enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, are not laced with arguments or ongoing competition to win at any cost. Great friends are usually great listeners. Real friends are supportive, optimistic; and they inspire you. My friends make me feel worthy, and they are worthy of my admiration.

• It’s very important to remember that the other person’s opinion is as important as your opinion. Shut up and listen!

• The need to win also spills into the work situation. If you are regularly at odds with your boss, don’t be shocked when you never get a promotion. Your co-workers may applaud you when you compete with the boss or fight for the last word. They are happy to see you eliminate yourself for promotions they want.

• When you talk with a loved one, be patient and allow them their say. If you believe their opinion is important, you will eliminate a whole lot of arguments; and your love life will improve.

• The best relationships I have observed are relationships that encourage switching the role of teacher and pupil. These couples play both roles. Nobody is always the teacher. These friends practice patience and active listening. They also realize they are worthy of love and respect if the relationship is to be successful, filled with joy.

• Perhaps a fulfilling, happy relationship is no more complicated than applying the Golden Rule. Treat your partner as you want to be treated.

• Love is absolutely powerful and magical. Mutual love can defeat the ego, any day or night of the week. Being worthy means you deserve love and respect.

Bob Billingsley is a columnist at the Mountain Democrat. His column appears bi-weekly. 

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.
LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 13 comments

  • ReaderOctober 25, 2013 - 2:06 pm

    In relationships a good question is: Would I rather be right or be happy? Giving up the compulsion to "be right" is a life changer.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • ReaderOctober 25, 2013 - 2:10 pm

    Most of the "feel good" squabbles taking place on these pages don't even feel particularly good. Equally, they mostly appear ridiculous to a significant number of non-participants.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • James E.October 25, 2013 - 5:00 pm

    Reader, well, then don't participate.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Dee#1October 25, 2013 - 5:12 pm

    Again James, I agree.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • cookie65October 26, 2013 - 9:47 am

    All the kids indoctrinated by Common Core will feel better about themselves knowing that "being right" about 2+2 won't matter unless they end up working in the private sector. For all other applications, such as the public sector or career welfare, the answer of 4 is discriminatory.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynOctober 26, 2013 - 11:19 am

    Mr. Billingsley is writing about the value of not treating our friends, family, neighbors & colleagues as enemy combatants. I don't believe the article negates the merits of ascertaining the truth in subjects such as science, math, history and the like

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • cookie65October 27, 2013 - 6:44 am

    "your right" Evelyn.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • cookie65October 27, 2013 - 6:46 am

    "you're"

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • PatriceOctober 26, 2013 - 11:38 am

    Wonderful article to be read and saved for continued reading pleasure. Hmmmm...I wonder if Mr. Billingsley had any of the MD posters in mind. I can think of a couple possibilities, at least.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Oh BrotherOctober 26, 2013 - 2:55 pm

    Love your articles Bob Billingsley, always an inspiration and generally upbeat and positive...what the world needs now!!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Morris to PookieOctober 26, 2013 - 10:41 pm

    Wow. Excellent column. Well done and insightful. Thank you. (Special note to my ex: D,... A much different experience was possible. A three minute read Pookie. Covers most everything; seems like simple basic stuff with instructions too. I know, I know, its all my fault and innocence is yours. So much so that candles with your image are now sold in leading hispanic grocery stores and several urban rectories. Know what? I still think you're perfect. Really. Ego and all. So as coffee spews from your nose in the morning while reading this note and you ponder just how many fundraiser BBQ's it would take to properly, discreetly and deliciously dispose of my remains, please clip this column and maybe consider the points from time to time. Or not. Either way, the perfect comment is true and yours to keep as my free gift with this special MD annoyance. Maybe one day you'll believe it yourself. The inside hidden by the outside. Is perfect. Imagine where that could take you..even if the line down the middle of Georgetown remains. It'll be OK. We'd agree on one thing at least. Imagine. We now return you to your regularly not speaking to me program already in progress. Don't forget to wipe the coffee off the dog and to pick up mesquite from the store...)

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Gloria Gladys GoodntightOctober 26, 2013 - 11:06 pm

    Oh Morris! May the winds of fate blow your way. I just feel it. Should our paths cross by chance I will know you. The locus of our life's points of fate will intersect. I will have you. And you will know.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • cookie65October 27, 2013 - 6:59 am

    Let's all join hands and sing kumbaya as we watch our country swirl down the giant toilet of leftism.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
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