Friday, April 18, 2014
PLACERVILLE, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Billingsley’s Bullets: I need to see a psychiatrist

Sometimes when you receive disappointing news, it saps your energy and makes you want to give up. I recently was told, after a screening was completed on my feet, that I have flat feet.

I mistakenly shared this information with my tennis buddies, and they now call me “Donald Duck” when I miss a tennis shot. Also, I’ve noticed that they move away from me when I sit on the bench.

Rejection and a feeling of low esteem can contribute to depression and a poor self-image. It’s time to call the psychiatrist.

My flat feet challenged me to ask my tennis friend Sally Clark if she still loved me, in spite of my arch-less feet. In front of our tennis gang, she said, “Yes.” She also contributed that she thought I was perfect in the past, and now it will be easier to love a man with a flaw.

To avoid the expense of psychiatric counseling, I decided to take a positive approach and create the following list of the advantages of being flatfooted:

• You are less likely to step on a dancing partner’s feet.

• Lee Carruth offered that it would now be easier for me to squash bugs with better results.

• Dave Tyburski lifted my spirits by noting that it’s better to have flat feet than to have a flat forehead.

• If I ever play rugby again (don’t count on it), it will be more difficult to knock me off my feet.

• It will be easier to go under the pole during a limbo dance.

• When my water skies fall off, I can still continue to glide on top of the water.

Having flat feet has disadvantages too, as noted in the following list:

• Ballet dancing will not happen in your present or your future life.

• The Armed Forces will not accept you to serve your country.

• If you decide to walk across a bed of hot coals, you will suffer more pain than a person with a high arch.

• If you decide to play dodge ball, you will die on the court.

Like most things in life, there are advantages and disadvantages to having flat feet. If you or anyone else, in the future, asks me if I have flat feet, I will lie and say, “No.” Furthermore, I will tell everyone that my good friend Wild Bill Schultz started the vicious rumor that I have flat feet.

People who have flat feet are more stable and grounded. Having both feet firmly planted on the ground has always been considered a high compliment according to my pal Roy Rosenthal.

Since I discovered my flat feet, I have noticed that people with very high arches are a tad uppity. My goal is to become the first president of the “Against High Arches” (AHA) Club.

It would be nice if one of our computer wizard readers would research the computer to create a list of famous people who had or currently have flat feet.

My own personal, recent research reveals the following facts:

• Flat footers are better kissers.

• There has never been a flat-footed peeping tom.

• 12 percent of flat-footed people become police officers.

• 19 percent of Aries people are flat-footed.

• There are no flat-footed psychiatrists in El Dorado County, but three of our judges are flat as a pancake with their shoes off.

Bob Billingsley is a columnist at the Mountain Democrat. His column appears bi-weekly. 

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.
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