Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Billingsley’s Bullets: Life is confusing before 9 a.m.

From page A6 | August 16, 2013 | Leave Comment

A few months ago I arrived at work with half of my face shaved and wearing light brown socks to match my black pants. One of my co-workers asked me if I was OK after observing my face and clothes.

It’s true that I am not a morning person. I once bloodied my nose while brushing my teeth before leaving for work. The bleeding required me to change shirts, which I put on inside out.

• Many of my tennis pals play tennis with bum shoulders, knees and feet. I have a relative who eats jelly with a fork. Another friend likes to golf in the rain.

• Maybe I should change my work schedule from 7:30 a.m. to noon to 4:30 p.m. before I hurt myself or harm another person?

• The more I think about, the more I realize that my friends are often odd people, and their strange behavior has rubbed off on me, especially before 9 a.m.

• Monika was probably reluctant to marry me because she realized that I was a 15-year-old cheapskate. On our first date, I took her to Brook’s Drive-in and bought her a 19-cent hamburger, a small coke and no fries. This first date was an important date, because Monika could not finish her hamburger and gave half of it to me. Instantly I said to myself, “If I marry this young girl, I will always be able to eat the second half of her meal.”

• Monika tells everyone we meet that I proposed to her the same day she started working at her first job.

• Perhaps it’s time to declare that no one should be allowed to wear any clothes. From my waltz through life, I have observed that nude people do not rob banks.

• Shoplifting will not succeed if you are nude. Theft in the workplace would stop if you had no pockets to fill or clothes to conceal stolen items. Nakedness would reduce crime by 63 percent.

•Sports events and going to the movies would be more enjoyable if everyone were nude. If the game or movie is boring, you can check out the nude spectators. Also, if nudeness were the law, we could eliminate the crime of indecent exposure, and mooning would not be illegal.

• Would you like to save three hours a year? Do not get behind my wife, Monika, in a buffet line. She picks at every entry available, choosing one item at a time. She ponders each decision and is oblivious to the people waiting behind her.

• If you were not hungry when you first entered the buffet line, you would be by the time Monika selects her last item. Some of the buffet food, which was hot, may be cool by the time you reach for it. Monika has contributed to a lot of people being fat. By the time she is finished in the buffet line, they are so starved that they overeat.

• If you see her standing in a buffet line, leave the building, get a haircut. By the time you return, she may no longer be in the buffet line!

Bob Billingsley is a columnist at the Mountain Democrat. His column appears bi-weekly. 

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.

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