Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Billingsley’s Bullets: Should I see a marriage counselor?

From page A4 | November 08, 2013 | 2 Comments

Recently our neighbors, Wendy and Paul Chafer, were invited to join us for some conversation and treats.

We landed on a discussion about what we would do if our spouses died. Wendy asked Monika how she would handle me being gone. Monika replied, “I would replace him with a miniature French poodle.” Paul and Wendy could not hold back their laughter. I asked Monika if she would name the poodle “Bobby.” She said, “No.” Paul and Wendy renewed their laughter.

• Since Monika has decided to replace me with a dog, I have been a tad upset and depressed. Whenever I see a dog now, I worry about my health and how long I will live. I think I will see a marriage counselor who doesn’t like dogs!

• While shopping in Pismo Beach, I met Anthony Sandoval, who was familiar with El Dorado County. He wanted to say “hello” to Roxi Dickson and hopes to see her soon. While relaxing and strolling in Pismo Beach, I observed the following signs and bumper stickers:

• “Money talks, and mine always says ‘goodbye.’”
• “Sorry, officer, I thought you wanted to race.”
• “You don’t have to be crazy to work here … We’ll train you.”
• “Always act like you’re wearing an invisible crown.”
• “Love lasts at the beach.”
• “I am woman — you may call me goddess.”
• “Driver carries no cash — he’s married.”
• “Happily owned by my cat.”
• “Can you fix my husband? He says he’s broke.”
• “I had a life, but my job ate it.”
• “Beach bums are all wet.”
• “Beach bums have more inner peace and no money.”
• “Walking the beach is number one stress killer.”

• Some readers worry about me. Occasionally I receive questions, such as,  “Are you OK, Honey? Do you really believe what you write?”

• I’ve noticed that I do tend to think sideways. I also worry about some things that no one else worries about. My most recent worry concerns my left eyebrow. I have observed that my left eyebrow grows hair faster than my right eyebrow.

• Scientific research reveals that my left eyebrow grows more hair faster because it is more active than my right eyebrow. I wink with my left eye, causing my left eyebrow to move more than my right eyebrow. When I kiss, my left eye opens and closes, creating movement of the left eyebrow. A really good, long kiss results in my left eye and eyebrow to go up and down over 88 times.

• It is true that I have some rather strange fears. I worry that a friend of mine will suddenly change his personality or his way of living. My friend is absolutely stingy. Waiting for him to buy a round of drinks is like leaving the porch light on for Jimmy Hoffa. When the dinner tab arrives, he suddenly has to go to the restroom. He is not above faking chest pains until he realizes I have picked up the tab. He orders water with a slice of lemon. He then adds the lemon and some sugar to the water to create a free lemonade drink.
If my friend suddenly pays for dinner or buys a round of drinks, I may have a heart attack. My unusual fear is justified!

Bob Billingsley is a columnist at the Mountain Democrat. His column appears bi-weekly. 

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.

Discussion | 2 comments

  • linda mcintoshNovember 07, 2013 - 12:16 pm

    Just HAVE to comment. Very funny. The eyebrow "dilemma" gave me a good belly laugh. I love your "sideways" thinking.... we might belong to the same club "odd-writers club."

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • cookie65November 08, 2013 - 5:27 am

    Being replaced by a dog means that someone is used to your loyalty.

    Reply | Report abusive comment


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