Billingsley’s Bullets: The greatest mystery of our time?

By From page A4 | February 14, 2014

John Chapman forwarded a T-shirt statement that read, “Humpty Dumpty was pushed!”

I asked seven people if they thought Humpty was pushed. Two people said “yes.” Four said “no,” and one person thought he was just clumsy.

• Perhaps the greatest question of our time is “Was Humpty Dumpty pushed? Did he jump of his own volition? Was he depressed or upset? Did someone push him?”

• I hired Billingsley Research Inc. to get to the bottom and top of Humpty’s “great fall.” Their findings are listed in the following paragraphs:

— Evidently Humpty was a well-rounded person, and suicide was not likely. He was in love with his girlfriend, Olive Omelet, AKA “Over Easy.” Marriage plans were discussed, and their marriage was scheduled for Helen’s Henhouse in 12 months.

— Research evidence concluded that Humpty did not jump of his own volition. There was “fowl play” involved!

— The investigators learned that Olive was not sincere in her agreement to marry Humpty in 12 months. She fell in love with the king and several of the king’s men. She and the king decided to eliminate Humpty as soon as possible. Humpty was invited to observe the king’s men and their horses play a polo game in the palace square.

— While watching the game from a tall wall, Olive came up behind Humpty and hit him in the head with a heavy spatula and the king simultaneously struck him in the back with a huge frying pan, knocking Humpty off the wall.

— In reality, the king and his men made no attempt to put Humpty together after he fell. The fairytale was not cracked up to what it was supposed to be. I’m sorry to say, he was pushed!

• Happy Saint Valentine’s Day! I believe this day stands for letting people you love know that you truly love them. Complete three kinds of kindnesses towards them before the day is over, and do not utter one negative word towards them. All day long, keep asking the question, “What would love do?” before you say or do anything with your loved ones.

• My friend Jewel Blair-Smith sent the following (author unknown) quote:

“We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between:
a man who flatters her
and a man who compliments her,
a man who spends money on her
and a man who invests in her,
a man who views her as property
and a man who views her properly,
a man who lusts after her
and a man who loves her,
a man who believes he’s a gift to women
and a man who believes she’s a gift to him.
And then we need to teach our sons
to be that kind of man.”

• I would recommend that we teach our sons the following axioms:

— A good listener is more appealing to a woman than a loud talker.
— You learn a lot more when your mouth is shut.
— Women appreciate kindness and compassion more than aggression.
— Love only occurs when you get outside yourself.
— Women really like and advocate practicing the Golden Rule. The more love and attention you give, the more you get back.
— When a woman no longer respects you, it’s over.
— Don’t try to “fix” a woman. Her opinions and her actions are as important as yours.
— A relationship, including marriage, should not be too busy, leaving both parties tired and without energy. Also, make time for conversation and hugs.
— When you start judging and trying to control a woman, you start losing her emotionally. Women are not puppies!
— Don’t assume anything with a woman. Always ask before you leap.

Bob Billingsley is a columnist at the Mountain Democrat. His column appears bi-weekly. 

Bob Billingsley

Bob Billingsley writes Heard Over the Back Fence three times a week, keeping his pen on the pulse of the community. He also writes a biweekly column called Billingsley's Bullets, in which he uses “sideways” thinking to make your day a little easier to handle.
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