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Monika and I recently returned from our annual trip to Eden, Utah. As tradition dictates, the following “wisdom sign” statements are noted:
• “Stupidity is not considered to be a handicap — Park somewhere else!”
• “The screw-up fairy has visited us again.”
• “Flying lessons — $1 to fly … $50 to land.”
• “The dust keeps my furniture warm and fuzzy.”
• “If you kill the food you eat, the food will eventually kill you.”
• Sign on a mission center: “Jesus saves; we need potatoes — Thank you!”
• “The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”
• “Bark less, wag more.”
• “I totally agree with myself.”
• “Don’t squat with your spurs on.”
• “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford; then I’ll move in with them.”
• “Changing the toilet paper will not cause brain damage.”
• “We cannot all be princesses — someone has to clap when I walk by.”
• “I can (do anything) at grandma’s.”
• “Bar rules: We do not serve women. You must bring your own.”
• “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to live with the psycho the rest of your life.”
• “I’m taking care of my procrastination, just you wait and see.”
• Sign at Wolf Creek Cabana Sports Center’s swimming pool: “There will be mandatory 10-minute restroom breaks at 12 noon, 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m., and 8 p.m. Everyone must exit pool during the restroom breaks.”
• Recently I asked my co-workers and some tennis pals if they thought I would be a realistic candidate to win the balance beam event in the 2016 Olympic Games. I received the following answers:
• “No — You are clearly off your beam and unbalanced. Somersaulting from topic to topic and doing meaningless handstands does not earn you a medal … only a ticket home.”
• “Do they have a crane big enough to lift the Billingsley butt onto the beam?”
• “Have an ambulance parked nearby.”
• “I suggest that Monika increase Bob’s life insurance.”
• “Yes — As long as he can take a coffee break in the middle of his routine and doesn’t look down when he’s on the beam.”
• “Notwithstanding your uneven penmanship, but assuming you can qualify for the 2016 Olympics for the ‘Balance Beam’ competition, I say yes, you can win the gold medal because the human spirit, will and drive to succeed can’t be underestimated. My decision to throw conventional wisdom out the window in answering this is solely motivated by the fact that this time of the year is slow for the Democrat’s Sports Department, and I could use the copy on your Olympic bid!”
• “Bob will have the lowest score ever recorded in the Olympic Games.”
• “Bob is unbalanced, unpredictable and generally off his rocker — he cannot win!”
• This was going to be a longer column, but I have to go to the gym and practice the double backward somersault!
Bob Billingsley is a columnist at the Mountain Democrat. His column appears bi-weekly.
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