The last thing you want to read: How to tell if you have class

By From page A6 | April 26, 2013

My preschool consisted of reading my mother’s Good Housekeeping magazine about tests to find out about oneself. Some were about what makes one attractive, or do you have “style sense?” I guess I didn’t because I didn’t even know what “style” was. And what seemed important at the time, “Do you have class?” I did not know, but found out that all I had to do was answer some questions and Good Housekeeping would tell me. Unfortunately, my limited experiences in life did not allow me to even understand most of the questions, let alone know what a correct answer was. And it all seemed so subjective — someone’s opinion. I wanted numbers. Was I a 10?

Years later I worked in the operations research field where numbers rule. But like every worker bee I also had chores to do and one was to take the family car in for some repairs. When it came time to pick it up I decided to combine my daily two-mile run and the chore, by running to the dealership.

Running alongside the four lane road my eye was attracted to the twinkling of the sun’s reflection from the drainage ditch, and what should I see, but an empty bottle of beer. I guess I unconsciously noted the name, but then consciously, because that’s just the way I am, started to count. At first I thought I would count for a mile then extrapolate to how many beer bottles there might be. But then I mentally noted that there seemed to be an overwhelming number of certain types of beer bottles, and cans, and I wondered if they were correlated to price or type or what.

The idea hit me that only low-class people throw beer cans and bottles out of a moving car and so it seemed to be a reverse correlation that the highest of the low-class people would throw the least numbers of cans and bottles, while the lowest of the low-class would throw the most.

Well, the numbers tell the tale. Bud Light and Miller Lite were the undisputed leaders with about 15 cans apiece. This would indicate that not only are the lowest class well, the lowest class, they are also the most overweight. Third place went to Coors, in all its forms, then Budweiser, Michelob, a smattering of “foreign” beers bottled in the United States, Pabst (are they still making Pabst?) and one Guinness Stout. In operations research we get to throw out numbers which are too far off from the average as an “outlier,” so out goes the Guinness.

So there you have it. I refrain from stating the obvious ranking, but you can assign yourself into the category of your beer and make your own decision as to your class. If you are at the very bottom then I would (and here I am only looking out for your best interests) investigate the “Weight Watchers” program. In addition to the health considerations, they will probably take you off beer and you will increase in class.

And what about me you ask? Well my place is secure in another class. I drink wine.

William Heyman is a resident of Pollock Pines. 


William Heyman

Bill, and wife Pam, have this year, lived in Pollock Pines longer than any other place on earth, after 46 years of marriage. The army (where he went from private to colonel) and Rockwell (where he went from the science center to programs manager) saw to that. But it does give some unique experiences which translate into strangely written articles to harass the reader.
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