10. I’m from Florida originally, back when they didn’t have hundreds of thousands of 20-foot Burmese Pythons decimating everything from raccoons to French tourists. In those days, my uncle’s Colt 45 and a 12-gauge shotgun got me through the swamps and the canebreaks.
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When I was down home last year, I didn’t see a single raccoon, ‘possum, fox or French tourist. I saw a few Germans and New Yorkers who for some reason were spared. But, anymore, who could take the chance that they won’t be surrounded by 100 or more ravenous pythons at any given time, in the forests, in the orange groves or even on the beach in Ft. Lauderdale? And those reptiles are moving north and west and fast and could be on their way to my house in Placerville. That’s why I could use an AR-15 and a 100-round magazine.
9. I go to the movies occasionally which pretty much explains why I need an AR-15 and a 100-round magazine.
8. Although I rarely go to shopping malls, you never know who else might be there on the day I decide to go to a shopping mall. I’d just feel a lot safer toting an AR-15 with a 100-round magazine.
7. Did some rude driver ever flip you off for no reason, and in response you flipped him off right back, and then you worried that maybe he was one of those guys who has an AR-15 and a 100-round magazine? I have. And I would be way outgunned — even with my five-shot .38, safely tucked away in a secret hiding place at home. If I had an AR-15 with a 100-round magazine, we’d at least be even.
6. I go to grocery stores, office buildings, government buildings, gas stations, mini-marts and the like on a regular basis, usually once a day — often more. I might be around thousands of people at any given moment in time, and the odds are pretty good that one of those thousands will have an AR-15 and a 100-round magazine. My notebook and pen aren’t much protection against an AR-15 and a 100-round magazine. The logic speaks for itself. I should have an AR-15 and a 100-round magazine.
5. People are always being shot at from overpasses when they drive on the freeway. As if it weren’t scary enough just driving on freeways, imagine that somebody is on the next overpass with a Glock 19 and a Bushmaster and maybe a Molotov cocktail. An AR-15 and a 100-round magazine could make short work of that situation and keep traffic flowing smoothly. It’s really about community service.
4. Remember how Snoopy shakes his fist and says “Curse you Red Baron?” Well, that may be how it works in the comic strips or even in cartoons, but I wouldn’t recommend it when the U.N. Black Helicopters come calling over your neighborhood. No sir. You and I will want an AR-15 with a 100-round magazine when that happens — maybe as early as next week.
3. Sometimes when you’re in a bar or a pool hall, there will be a guy who’s got the biggest muscles and the surliest attitude and he wants to take your head off because you smiled and said “Hi” to his gal. You didn’t know it was his gal, you’re just the kind of person who smiles and says “Hi” to people. No harm, no foul, except you know you’re going to get your head taken off anyway. So you say, “Let’s take this outside, partner.”
Outside, you say, “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” He gets a big grin and whips out his .44 magnum. You chuckle, draw back your long overcoat and pull out your AR-15 with a 100-round magazine. Now, that’s what I’m talking about.
2. I haven’t hunted in years and years. I mostly couldn’t hit much with my uncle’s Colt 45. I once knocked off a whole family of skunks with the 12-gauge though. One shot. If I’d had an AR-15 with a 100-round magazine just imagine what I could have brought home for dinner. We’d still be eating skunk, turtle, porcupine and who knows what else?
1. Suppose I’m sitting at home reading the paper, and I hear a knock on the door. I open up and there’s like 35 guys dressed in black hoodies or maybe Ninja suits, armed to the teeth, snarling and spitting like Vikings. “What’s up fellas?” I ask.
“Home invasion,” the apparent leader growls.
Well, if I only have my five-shot .38, and it’s too well hidden for me to even find, what am I going to do? If I have a rifle with a 10 or 15-round clip, I may get some of them, but they’ll eventually get me when I have to stop and reload. I and mine are in a pickle, no doubt about it. But if I had an AR-15 with a 100-round magazine, it would be a different story, I can tell you.
“Not so fast there Leader,” I’d say as I sprayed an average of 2.85 bullets per would-be home invader. I’d blow the smoke off the end of the barrel, slap in another 100-round magazine and get back to my paper. If only I had an AR-15 with a 100-round magazine.
Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday.