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The weekly Daley: David Petraeus walks into a bar; bartender says….

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From page A6 | November 16, 2012 | 19 Comments

I’ve always been amazed at how quickly the comics come up with jokes hard on the heels of big events. Any goof or gaffe by a celebrity or important person is instant fodder for the late-night guys, of course. That’s easy, they have millionaire writers whose job it is to make up jokes about current events. But what about the rest of us? I’ll bet all of us, at one time or another, have come up with a joke that later turned out to be just about the same as what a high-paid writer got highly paid for.

Recent headlines have chased all other recent headlines right off the front page, and without Petraeus, Broadwell, Allen and Kelley and who knows who else by tomorrow, there would be, in effect, frontal nudity on the nation’s newspapers. And so with that in mind, what follows is my own work. If anyone else has already said it or said something very similar, it is purely coincidental.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell running a marathon? Foreplay.

What distinguishes the top spy from the average spy? About 30,000 inappropriate e-mails.

From the FBI Agent’s handbook: The first step in any investigation is to take off your shirt and send a bare-chested picture of yourself to the reporting party.

How can you tell Jill Kelley from her twin sister? You just have to start with a General feeling.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell doing a hundred pushups? Afterglow.

“Knock, knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Paula.” — “Paula who?” — “What do you mean Paula who? It’s that Tampa socialite, isn’t it? I knew it.”

What separates David Petraeus from Gen. John Allen? One or two inappropriate e-mails.

What comprises a risk to national security? Penetration with intent to breach.

What constitutes intent? Canvas walls and cots on an army base.

From Donald Trump’s press conference: “Barack Obama is the long-disguised brother of Jill Kelley and her twin sister Natalie. They were born in Lebanon which is a mostly Muslim country, and the family resemblance is clear from the identical moles on their swarthy faces. I’ll have more to say about this at my next press conference — right after lunch.”

What do you call the Petraeus, Kelley, Broadwell and Allen families at a cocktail party? Fourplay.

From Donald Trump’s after-lunch press conference: “I’ve sent my investigators to Lebanon. They’ll  bring it back with them, and I’ll store it at my farm upstate until we’re done investigating. The American people deserve no less.”

Anonymous e-mail turned over to FBI agent: “Jill — I saw you peeking through the window when we were in the hotel room. Back off  b—-!!!  If you know what’s good for you. (signed) Anonymous.”

Congress is looking into the factors that brought down CIA director Petraeus. It’s being described as a “physical cliff.”

Well, I’ve about shot my wad on this issue. Feel free to use any of this material any way you like, but please give credit where credit is due — that is — not to some millionaire joke writer.

Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday. 

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 19 comments

  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 8:24 am

    BROADWELL HUMOR: "After running with Lance Armstrong in July, [Broadwell] volunteered her secret purpose to at least six new acquaintances at the Aspen conference. That evening, over drinks, she told a small group that she had been arguing with her mentor about the direction of her career. Republican moneymen, she said, had approached her about a Senate run in North Carolina. She was tempted. Petraeus, she said in an irritated tone, rejected the idea out of hand. What was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers? Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out." ********** http://swampland.time.com/2012/11/15/spyfall/print/

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  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 8:44 am

    (Paula Broadwell, 2009) WOMEN SOLDIERS CRUCIAL TO US MISSION: “Banning sex is futile and impossible; the best approach is to set rules regarding fraternization, maintain awareness of relationships within the command, and strictly and fairly discipline transgressors.” ********** http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2009/08/26/women_soldiers_crucial_to_us_mission/

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  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 8:51 am

    A DEGREE OF DECEPTION: THE TRUTH ABOUT THE 'DOCTORATE' THAT LED PAULA BROADWELL TO PETRAEUS, HER FEROCIOUS SELF-PROMOTION AND THE POLITICAL AMBITIONS HE QUASHED @ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2233660/Paula-Broadwell-met-Petraeus-wanted-run-senate-failed-Harvard.html#ixzz2CN0fLvcp ********** Evelyn’s note: Of course, all of this serves to distract from the real question: WHAT WAS BENGHAZI REALLY ABOUT?

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  • CatherineNovember 16, 2012 - 10:18 am

    Evelyn, What do you think it was about?

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  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 12:46 pm

    Catherine, though having assimilated a variety of inputs on Benghazi I wouldn’t presume to answer the fundamental question of What It REALLY Is About. I would be astonished if we get the unvarnished truth. Actors competing to shape the story line include (among others) the CIA, Military, State Dept, FBI, the President and General Petraeus. I've read about other less obvious participants but won't inflame this discussion by going there! Suffice it to say that the main story is not Paula Broadwell. But one might reasonably ask whether she served as Petraeus' Monica Lewinsky.

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  • R.J. CarterNovember 16, 2012 - 4:20 pm

    I remember back in late 1980's when info. concerning the Iran-Contra first began to break, the mainstream media went on a leftist feeding frenzy....Turn on the TV and It's all anyone heard about for over a year....The Libs did their best to take down Marine Lt. Col. Oliver North, even going as far as to have him arrested in an effort to ruin his career.......Now, fast forward to the Benghazi scandal, and with the utmost of class, the Right treats General Petraeus with nothing but respect, while thanking him for both his service and input after he testified concerning Benghazi ......Apples & Oranges....I don't think so...

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  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 6:41 pm

    On the VERY off off chance that anyone is interested in a non-mainstream consideration of the Petraeus affair: HERE.

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  • CatherineNovember 16, 2012 - 7:33 pm

    Evelyn, your link is interesting, although it's a bit of a laundry list of accusations. But where there's CIA, it's easy to imagine shenanigans. Truly, we'll never have a complete picture. That's why I tend to think we should give these specific dead a rest. Worse things happen ever week in countries we invade, overtly or covertly.

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  • DB SmithNovember 16, 2012 - 8:49 pm

    Catherine, 4 murdered Americans and you want to give it a rest. I know the families of the murdered and most Americans don't want to give it a rest. Why in the world would we not want to find out the truth regardless of political beliefs??? Because you and your kind can't handle the truth!

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  • CatherineNovember 16, 2012 - 11:18 pm

    Mr. Smith, I appreciate the Jack Nicholson homage, but my comment was, we will never know the full truth--the CIA will not be obligated to share its goals. Perhaps in 20 years with many, many Freedom of Information Act requests, but not in the near future. Real life is not as tidy as Homeland.

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  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 8:57 am

    A few years back I bought a cigar humidor in the likeness of Monica Lewinski. You tilt her head back and a cigar drops out. I remember this Catherine person making statements regarding Benghazi that it was a protest of a video. And that the pictures she had viewed with her expertise in such things had deduced that the kind soles in the picture were "actually" trying to help him? My quest is, was that before or after they had raped him with a knife. 2 ex-navy seals working for the CIA to send arms from Libya to Syria. Paid the ultimate price for their service to our country by fighting hundreds of Al Qaeda supporters for 7 hours. Only to die in a secret safe house with no help from our country. And what do the socialist democrats want to investigate? A nice juicy sex scandal.

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  • CatherineNovember 17, 2012 - 10:15 am

    Ken, I welcome a link back to the comment you say you recall, and also more information on the sodomy upon which you are fixated. I assure you I'm not the least bit interested in Mr. Petraeus' sex life, which I think is his personal business.

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  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 10:32 pm

    CatherineSeptember 12, 2012 - 11:41 pm I'm not worried about anything, Ken. Good people were killed by religious fanatics. Whether the killers were driven by clerics via a Sunni TV channel, or pushed by al-Qaeda, or if they believed the consular building to be empty and just wanted to burn it down we don't know. But I found the site you referenced pretty fanatical (Rapture in the Air Now dot com?!), and there is no video as you describe. I find it sad/reprehensible that people who believe in "The Rapture" feel a need to make up a story saying this man was dragged through the streets. Those sites should remove their posts. More to follow

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  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 10:33 pm

    CatherineSeptember 12, 2012 - 9:10 pm My understanding is that two of the the men killed were Marines providing security, but it's an interim embassy without adequate physical security. Tragic. I haven't seen any "dragged through the streets" videos. I think the story that he was in a safe room and died of smoke inhalation is (surprisingly) believable. But all sites should take the photos down. Besides being sad and inappropriate, they drive the Rapture crowd to palpitations. This took a while

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  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 10:36 pm

    Ken SteersSeptember 12, 2012 - 11:25 am I just watched the video of our Ambassador to Libya being dragged thru the streets and killed. Why would our diplomatic team be in that hostile place with out Marine Corps support? Why are the Marines not in Cairo? In 1998 Al Qaeda blew up our Embassy in Kenya and we did nothing. Then they hit the U.S. These murderers in Libya and Egypt are carrying Al Qaeda flags and chanting Osama Bin Laden. This was a coordinated attack by our enemies on 9-11. This is what I said

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  • James E.November 17, 2012 - 11:20 pm

    Can you provide a link showing the Ambassador being dragged through the streets, raped with a knife, and killed.

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  • CatherineNovember 17, 2012 - 11:34 pm

    I've had two posts not go through, perhaps because they contain the phrase a-n-a-l obsession.

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  • EvelynNovember 18, 2012 - 7:16 am

    Life is short. An offering. HERE.

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  • EvelynNovember 18, 2012 - 5:46 pm

    "So far, reporters’ questions indicate Petraeus won’t be hammered hard about why he has changed his story. In September, he blamed an anti-Muslim video for the attacks. Now it’s terrorists. Incredibly, the protection of the general’s reputation is holding, to this point. Meanwhile, federal agencies, trying to figure out how deep the Petraeus scandal really goes, are fashioning a cover story, to shield the guilty." @ https://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/federal-investigators-lying-through-their-teeth-in-the-petraeus-probe/

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