Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The weekly Daley: David Petraeus walks into a bar; bartender says….

From page A6 | November 16, 2012 | 19 Comments

I’ve always been amazed at how quickly the comics come up with jokes hard on the heels of big events. Any goof or gaffe by a celebrity or important person is instant fodder for the late-night guys, of course. That’s easy, they have millionaire writers whose job it is to make up jokes about current events. But what about the rest of us? I’ll bet all of us, at one time or another, have come up with a joke that later turned out to be just about the same as what a high-paid writer got highly paid for.

Recent headlines have chased all other recent headlines right off the front page, and without Petraeus, Broadwell, Allen and Kelley and who knows who else by tomorrow, there would be, in effect, frontal nudity on the nation’s newspapers. And so with that in mind, what follows is my own work. If anyone else has already said it or said something very similar, it is purely coincidental.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell running a marathon? Foreplay.

What distinguishes the top spy from the average spy? About 30,000 inappropriate e-mails.

From the FBI Agent’s handbook: The first step in any investigation is to take off your shirt and send a bare-chested picture of yourself to the reporting party.

How can you tell Jill Kelley from her twin sister? You just have to start with a General feeling.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell doing a hundred pushups? Afterglow.

“Knock, knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Paula.” — “Paula who?” — “What do you mean Paula who? It’s that Tampa socialite, isn’t it? I knew it.”

What separates David Petraeus from Gen. John Allen? One or two inappropriate e-mails.

What comprises a risk to national security? Penetration with intent to breach.

What constitutes intent? Canvas walls and cots on an army base.

From Donald Trump’s press conference: “Barack Obama is the long-disguised brother of Jill Kelley and her twin sister Natalie. They were born in Lebanon which is a mostly Muslim country, and the family resemblance is clear from the identical moles on their swarthy faces. I’ll have more to say about this at my next press conference — right after lunch.”

What do you call the Petraeus, Kelley, Broadwell and Allen families at a cocktail party? Fourplay.

From Donald Trump’s after-lunch press conference: “I’ve sent my investigators to Lebanon. They’ll  bring it back with them, and I’ll store it at my farm upstate until we’re done investigating. The American people deserve no less.”

Anonymous e-mail turned over to FBI agent: “Jill — I saw you peeking through the window when we were in the hotel room. Back off  b—-!!!  If you know what’s good for you. (signed) Anonymous.”

Congress is looking into the factors that brought down CIA director Petraeus. It’s being described as a “physical cliff.”

Well, I’ve about shot my wad on this issue. Feel free to use any of this material any way you like, but please give credit where credit is due — that is — not to some millionaire joke writer.

Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday. 


Discussion | 19 comments

  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 8:24 am

    BROADWELL HUMOR: "After running with Lance Armstrong in July, [Broadwell] volunteered her secret purpose to at least six new acquaintances at the Aspen conference. That evening, over drinks, she told a small group that she had been arguing with her mentor about the direction of her career. Republican moneymen, she said, had approached her about a Senate run in North Carolina. She was tempted. Petraeus, she said in an irritated tone, rejected the idea out of hand. What was her position, he asked, on abortion? Climate change? Gun control? Gay marriage? Tax cuts? Social Security vouchers? Her answers, he told her, would not fit either party, and she should not sell herself out." **********

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 8:44 am

    (Paula Broadwell, 2009) WOMEN SOLDIERS CRUCIAL TO US MISSION: “Banning sex is futile and impossible; the best approach is to set rules regarding fraternization, maintain awareness of relationships within the command, and strictly and fairly discipline transgressors.” **********

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 8:51 am


    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CatherineNovember 16, 2012 - 10:18 am

    Evelyn, What do you think it was about?

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 12:46 pm

    Catherine, though having assimilated a variety of inputs on Benghazi I wouldn’t presume to answer the fundamental question of What It REALLY Is About. I would be astonished if we get the unvarnished truth. Actors competing to shape the story line include (among others) the CIA, Military, State Dept, FBI, the President and General Petraeus. I've read about other less obvious participants but won't inflame this discussion by going there! Suffice it to say that the main story is not Paula Broadwell. But one might reasonably ask whether she served as Petraeus' Monica Lewinsky.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • R.J. CarterNovember 16, 2012 - 4:20 pm

    I remember back in late 1980's when info. concerning the Iran-Contra first began to break, the mainstream media went on a leftist feeding frenzy....Turn on the TV and It's all anyone heard about for over a year....The Libs did their best to take down Marine Lt. Col. Oliver North, even going as far as to have him arrested in an effort to ruin his career.......Now, fast forward to the Benghazi scandal, and with the utmost of class, the Right treats General Petraeus with nothing but respect, while thanking him for both his service and input after he testified concerning Benghazi ......Apples & Oranges....I don't think so...

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynNovember 16, 2012 - 6:41 pm

    On the VERY off off chance that anyone is interested in a non-mainstream consideration of the Petraeus affair: HERE.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CatherineNovember 16, 2012 - 7:33 pm

    Evelyn, your link is interesting, although it's a bit of a laundry list of accusations. But where there's CIA, it's easy to imagine shenanigans. Truly, we'll never have a complete picture. That's why I tend to think we should give these specific dead a rest. Worse things happen ever week in countries we invade, overtly or covertly.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • DB SmithNovember 16, 2012 - 8:49 pm

    Catherine, 4 murdered Americans and you want to give it a rest. I know the families of the murdered and most Americans don't want to give it a rest. Why in the world would we not want to find out the truth regardless of political beliefs??? Because you and your kind can't handle the truth!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CatherineNovember 16, 2012 - 11:18 pm

    Mr. Smith, I appreciate the Jack Nicholson homage, but my comment was, we will never know the full truth--the CIA will not be obligated to share its goals. Perhaps in 20 years with many, many Freedom of Information Act requests, but not in the near future. Real life is not as tidy as Homeland.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 8:57 am

    A few years back I bought a cigar humidor in the likeness of Monica Lewinski. You tilt her head back and a cigar drops out. I remember this Catherine person making statements regarding Benghazi that it was a protest of a video. And that the pictures she had viewed with her expertise in such things had deduced that the kind soles in the picture were "actually" trying to help him? My quest is, was that before or after they had raped him with a knife. 2 ex-navy seals working for the CIA to send arms from Libya to Syria. Paid the ultimate price for their service to our country by fighting hundreds of Al Qaeda supporters for 7 hours. Only to die in a secret safe house with no help from our country. And what do the socialist democrats want to investigate? A nice juicy sex scandal.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CatherineNovember 17, 2012 - 10:15 am

    Ken, I welcome a link back to the comment you say you recall, and also more information on the sodomy upon which you are fixated. I assure you I'm not the least bit interested in Mr. Petraeus' sex life, which I think is his personal business.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 10:32 pm

    CatherineSeptember 12, 2012 - 11:41 pm I'm not worried about anything, Ken. Good people were killed by religious fanatics. Whether the killers were driven by clerics via a Sunni TV channel, or pushed by al-Qaeda, or if they believed the consular building to be empty and just wanted to burn it down we don't know. But I found the site you referenced pretty fanatical (Rapture in the Air Now dot com?!), and there is no video as you describe. I find it sad/reprehensible that people who believe in "The Rapture" feel a need to make up a story saying this man was dragged through the streets. Those sites should remove their posts. More to follow

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 10:33 pm

    CatherineSeptember 12, 2012 - 9:10 pm My understanding is that two of the the men killed were Marines providing security, but it's an interim embassy without adequate physical security. Tragic. I haven't seen any "dragged through the streets" videos. I think the story that he was in a safe room and died of smoke inhalation is (surprisingly) believable. But all sites should take the photos down. Besides being sad and inappropriate, they drive the Rapture crowd to palpitations. This took a while

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • Ken SteersNovember 17, 2012 - 10:36 pm

    Ken SteersSeptember 12, 2012 - 11:25 am I just watched the video of our Ambassador to Libya being dragged thru the streets and killed. Why would our diplomatic team be in that hostile place with out Marine Corps support? Why are the Marines not in Cairo? In 1998 Al Qaeda blew up our Embassy in Kenya and we did nothing. Then they hit the U.S. These murderers in Libya and Egypt are carrying Al Qaeda flags and chanting Osama Bin Laden. This was a coordinated attack by our enemies on 9-11. This is what I said

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • James E.November 17, 2012 - 11:20 pm

    Can you provide a link showing the Ambassador being dragged through the streets, raped with a knife, and killed.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CatherineNovember 17, 2012 - 11:34 pm

    I've had two posts not go through, perhaps because they contain the phrase a-n-a-l obsession.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynNovember 18, 2012 - 7:16 am

    Life is short. An offering. HERE.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynNovember 18, 2012 - 5:46 pm

    "So far, reporters’ questions indicate Petraeus won’t be hammered hard about why he has changed his story. In September, he blamed an anti-Muslim video for the attacks. Now it’s terrorists. Incredibly, the protection of the general’s reputation is holding, to this point. Meanwhile, federal agencies, trying to figure out how deep the Petraeus scandal really goes, are fashioning a cover story, to shield the guilty." @

    Reply | Report abusive comment


Downtown group coordinates painting, awnings

By Wendy Schultz | From Page: A1

More mountain lion sightings reported

By Dawn Hodson | From Page: A1, 8 Comments

Supervisor Nutting trial begins

By Cole Mayer | From Page: A1, 72 Comments | Gallery

Sanford murder case to jury

By Cole Mayer | From Page: A1 | Gallery

Herard over the back fence: Try fishing at Wakamatsu

By Bob Billingsley | From Page: B1

Gearing tax questions to correct office saves time

By Treasurer-Tax Collector | From Page: A3



My turn: More than a buzzword

By Special to the Democrat | From Page: A4, 23 Comments

Building restored

By Mountain Democrat | From Page: A4

Outstanding dog

By Mountain Democrat | From Page: A4



‘Parents, be afraid’ letter

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 20 Comments

Ukranian situation

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 4 Comments


By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 9 Comments

Altshuler framing

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 9 Comments

National Day of Prayer

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 2 Comments



Pedal power at the forefront next month

By Jerry Heinzer | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Outside with Charlie: Transitioning

By Charlie Ferris | From Page: A6

Pitching the ‘Root’ cause of Trojans’ victory

By Mike Bush | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Sports Scene: April 22, 2014

By Democrat Staff | From Page: A7

Roundup: April 22, 2014

By Democrat Staff | From Page: A7



4-H’ers star at showcase

By Dawn Hodson | From Page: B1 | Gallery

At a glance: Look for fireballs

By Mimi Escabar | From Page: B2, 1 Comment

Authors to share their stories

By Pat Lakey | From Page: B2, 2 Comments

Church to host human trafficking conference

By Pollock Pines | From Page: B3

Grow For It! Flower of Easter

By Barbara Schuchart | From Page: B5



Crime Log: April 1-3

By Cole Mayer | From Page: A2

Weather stats 4-22-14

By Michael Raffety | From Page: A2

Building permits 4/7-11/2014

By Michael Raffety | From Page: A2



Bobby Lloyd Bridges

By Contributor | From Page: A2

Harry Frank Harper

By Contributor | From Page: A2, 6 Comments

Marion “Wayne” Griswold

By Contributor | From Page: A2


Real Estate



New York Times Crossword

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Flying McCoys

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Speed Bump

By Contributor | From Page: A8


By Contributor | From Page: A8

Horoscope, Thursday, April 24, 2014

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Horoscope, Wednesday, April 23, 2014

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Working It Out

By Contributor | From Page: A8

TV Listings

By Contributor | From Page: A8


By Contributor | From Page: A8


By Contributor | From Page: A8


By Contributor | From Page: A8