Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The weekly Daley: David Petraeus walks into a bar; bartender says….

From page A6 | November 16, 2012 |

I’ve always been amazed at how quickly the comics come up with jokes hard on the heels of big events. Any goof or gaffe by a celebrity or important person is instant fodder for the late-night guys, of course. That’s easy, they have millionaire writers whose job it is to make up jokes about current events. But what about the rest of us? I’ll bet all of us, at one time or another, have come up with a joke that later turned out to be just about the same as what a high-paid writer got highly paid for.

Recent headlines have chased all other recent headlines right off the front page, and without Petraeus, Broadwell, Allen and Kelley and who knows who else by tomorrow, there would be, in effect, frontal nudity on the nation’s newspapers. And so with that in mind, what follows is my own work. If anyone else has already said it or said something very similar, it is purely coincidental.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell running a marathon? Foreplay.

What distinguishes the top spy from the average spy? About 30,000 inappropriate e-mails.

From the FBI Agent’s handbook: The first step in any investigation is to take off your shirt and send a bare-chested picture of yourself to the reporting party.

How can you tell Jill Kelley from her twin sister? You just have to start with a General feeling.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell doing a hundred pushups? Afterglow.

“Knock, knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Paula.” — “Paula who?” — “What do you mean Paula who? It’s that Tampa socialite, isn’t it? I knew it.”

What separates David Petraeus from Gen. John Allen? One or two inappropriate e-mails.

What comprises a risk to national security? Penetration with intent to breach.

What constitutes intent? Canvas walls and cots on an army base.

From Donald Trump’s press conference: “Barack Obama is the long-disguised brother of Jill Kelley and her twin sister Natalie. They were born in Lebanon which is a mostly Muslim country, and the family resemblance is clear from the identical moles on their swarthy faces. I’ll have more to say about this at my next press conference — right after lunch.”

What do you call the Petraeus, Kelley, Broadwell and Allen families at a cocktail party? Fourplay.

From Donald Trump’s after-lunch press conference: “I’ve sent my investigators to Lebanon. They’ll  bring it back with them, and I’ll store it at my farm upstate until we’re done investigating. The American people deserve no less.”

Anonymous e-mail turned over to FBI agent: “Jill — I saw you peeking through the window when we were in the hotel room. Back off  b—-!!!  If you know what’s good for you. (signed) Anonymous.”

Congress is looking into the factors that brought down CIA director Petraeus. It’s being described as a “physical cliff.”

Well, I’ve about shot my wad on this issue. Feel free to use any of this material any way you like, but please give credit where credit is due — that is — not to some millionaire joke writer.

Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday. 





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