Monday, July 21, 2014
PLACERVILLE, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

The weekly Daley: David Petraeus walks into a bar; bartender says….

By
From page A6 | November 16, 2012 |

I’ve always been amazed at how quickly the comics come up with jokes hard on the heels of big events. Any goof or gaffe by a celebrity or important person is instant fodder for the late-night guys, of course. That’s easy, they have millionaire writers whose job it is to make up jokes about current events. But what about the rest of us? I’ll bet all of us, at one time or another, have come up with a joke that later turned out to be just about the same as what a high-paid writer got highly paid for.

Recent headlines have chased all other recent headlines right off the front page, and without Petraeus, Broadwell, Allen and Kelley and who knows who else by tomorrow, there would be, in effect, frontal nudity on the nation’s newspapers. And so with that in mind, what follows is my own work. If anyone else has already said it or said something very similar, it is purely coincidental.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell running a marathon? Foreplay.

What distinguishes the top spy from the average spy? About 30,000 inappropriate e-mails.

From the FBI Agent’s handbook: The first step in any investigation is to take off your shirt and send a bare-chested picture of yourself to the reporting party.

How can you tell Jill Kelley from her twin sister? You just have to start with a General feeling.

What do you call Petraeus and Broadwell doing a hundred pushups? Afterglow.

“Knock, knock.” — “Who’s there?” — “Paula.” — “Paula who?” — “What do you mean Paula who? It’s that Tampa socialite, isn’t it? I knew it.”

What separates David Petraeus from Gen. John Allen? One or two inappropriate e-mails.

What comprises a risk to national security? Penetration with intent to breach.

What constitutes intent? Canvas walls and cots on an army base.

From Donald Trump’s press conference: “Barack Obama is the long-disguised brother of Jill Kelley and her twin sister Natalie. They were born in Lebanon which is a mostly Muslim country, and the family resemblance is clear from the identical moles on their swarthy faces. I’ll have more to say about this at my next press conference — right after lunch.”

What do you call the Petraeus, Kelley, Broadwell and Allen families at a cocktail party? Fourplay.

From Donald Trump’s after-lunch press conference: “I’ve sent my investigators to Lebanon. They’ll  bring it back with them, and I’ll store it at my farm upstate until we’re done investigating. The American people deserve no less.”

Anonymous e-mail turned over to FBI agent: “Jill — I saw you peeking through the window when we were in the hotel room. Back off  b—-!!!  If you know what’s good for you. (signed) Anonymous.”

Congress is looking into the factors that brought down CIA director Petraeus. It’s being described as a “physical cliff.”

Well, I’ve about shot my wad on this issue. Feel free to use any of this material any way you like, but please give credit where credit is due — that is — not to some millionaire joke writer.

Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday. 

Comments

comments

.

News

Highway 50 collision fatal

By Cole Mayer | From Page: A1

 
IRS unveils Taxpayer Bill of Rights

By News Release | From Page: B1

EDH community unites to patch up historic barn

By Mike Roberts | From Page: A1 | Gallery

 
Stay connected through sheriff

By El Dorado County Sheriff's Office | From Page: B1

Bird tests positive for West Nile

By Ross Branch | From Page: A1

 
P’ville hires Camino superintendent

By News Release | From Page: B1

 
Heard over the back fence: Public swim times announced

By Bob Billingsley | From Page: B1

County gets partial refund on promotional event

By Dawn Hodson | From Page: A3

 
Jeepers expo Wednesday in Georgetown

By Dawn Hodson | From Page: A3

Help SWR with squirrel babies

By Sierra Wildlife Rescue | From Page: A9

 
.

Opinion

The rural life: Save the day: Neuter and spay

By Jennifer Forsberg Meyer | From Page: A4

 
Different place, different priorities

By Mountain Democrat | From Page: A4

California rambling: Giving cities a pass

By John Poimiroo | From Page: A4 | Gallery

 
.

Letters

Ready for Hillary?

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 2 Comments

 
Fukushima

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

Diamond Springs Firefighters Union is corrupt

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

 
100+ years and thanks

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5

A thank you note

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5, 1 Comment

 
Prada belongs in Berkeley

By Letters to the Editor | From Page: A5

.

Sports

Becker slips by in wild KWS finish

By Gary Thomas | From Page: A6

 
Sports Scene: July 20, 2014

By Jerry Heinzer | From Page: A6

Roundup: July 20, 2014

By Democrat Staff | From Page: A6

 
Season over for Post 119

By Mike Bush | From Page: A6 | Gallery

Valley View Sports Park

By Julie Samrick | From Page: A6 | Gallery

 
Under the Scoreboard: July 20, 2014

By Democrat Staff | From Page: A6

Schedule: July 21-26

By Democrat Staff | From Page: A6

 
Sophia Barden wins strut title

By Special to the Democrat | From Page: A7

.

Prospecting

 
How to safely help a horse

By Wendy Schultz | From Page: B2 | Gallery

Railroad Museum offers a fun ‘History Happy Hour’

By California State Railroad Museum | From Page: B4

 
As we were: Money for home repairs

By Ken Deibert | From Page: B4

Volunteer kitchen help needed in EDH

By Health and Human Services Agency | From Page: B10

 
Marshall Medical Center to host day of fitness and fun

By Marshall Medical | From Page: B10

 
Kids parade for free admission to the fair

By Amador County Fair | From Page: B10

.

Essentials

Crime Log: July 6-8

By Cole Mayer | From Page: A2

 
.

Obituaries

Betty Ellene Hock

By Contributor | From Page: A2Comments are off for this post

 
Douglas J. Beam

By Contributor | From Page: A2

Jerry Grant Young Jr.

By Contributor | From Page: A2

 
Kathryn Noreen Nolan

By Contributor | From Page: A2

.

Real Estate

.

Comics

TV Listings

By Contributor | From Page: A8

 
Speed Bump

By Contributor | From Page: A8

American Profile Crossword

By Contributor | From Page: A8

 
Tundra

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Horoscope, Tuesday, July 22, 2014

By Contributor | From Page: A8

 
Horoscope, Monday, July 21, 2014

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Shoe

By Contributor | From Page: A8

 
Sukodu

By Contributor | From Page: A8

Rubes

By Contributor | From Page: A8

 
New York Times Crossword

By Contributor | From Page: A8