Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The weekly Daley: Letters from Santa

From page A4 | December 13, 2013 |

Reggie M’lad,

Santa always appreciates it when you leave him some of your Sugar Daddy, but next time leave the wrapper on and don’t suck on it first, OK? You’re No. 1 with me too Kid-o. And BTW, thanks for the peanut butter and mayo sandwich you left me last year; putting it on nacho chips was a nice touch too.

Your pal, Santa (gag) Claus

Dear Joe,

Be very careful what you wish for! Do you really want to go to the mat with Hillary in a year or two?

Love, Santa

Dear City Council,

Can’t help but notice the extension road from Lower Main Street to Placerville Drive hasn’t been plowed all week. Love that project, especially between March and November. Santa hates to say I told you so, but … And while I’m at it, that turn from Placerville Drive onto the freeway is scary as all get out. Friends report they’ve nearly been whacked by cars coming down the ramp while waiting to turn. Just sayin’.

Happy Holidays, Santa

Dear Rich,

I don’t think they meant you personally when they talked about the “camel getting through the eye of the needle easier than a rich man can get into heaven.” And to answer your other question, leaving a “Little $omething” next to the chimney for $anta on Christma$ Eve probably won’t help you, but thanks for thinking of me. Good luck; I’m afraid you’re going to need it.

$anta, I mean Santa.

Dear Michelle,

Believe it or not, I also had something of a weight problem when I was young. Cookies, fudge, cocoa for every meal, you know. I’m not hopeful that we can get kids to like okra or broccoli or even kale, but I’ll help you all I can. Keep up the good work. “Take a bite out of obesity.” I like it.

Love, Santa

Dear Raul,

Who’d a thunk it! You wanted to shake hands with the President, and I put him right there in front of you. I’m glad you 86’d the joy buzzer idea. You’re welcome. You owe me. How about backing off on some of those repressive policies? Feliz Navidad. Did you check your hand after that historic shake?

Best Wishes, Santa

Dear Sammy,

I accept your apology for what you did to the goldfish. I agree, they would have looked cute in little paper party hats and matching vests, but I bet we’ve learned a lesson about proper care of our pet friends, haven’t we? No, Santa’s not cross with you anymore. Let’s see if we can have better luck with Sea Monkeys this year, shall we? And let’s remember to keep them in room temperature water this time, OK?

Yes, I think you’ll be an excellent “vetanerryun” one day, but remember your promise to quit smoking those cheap cigars. I don’t like the sound of that cough. Keep up your studies, fella.

All the best, Santa

Dear Barry,

I agree that Obamacare is really good for a lot of people. That it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread and the Veg-O-Matic, I’m not sure. It’s arguably bigger than Silly Putty especially for people with pre-existing conditions — for whom honestly, Silly Putty didn’t help much. Greater than landing man on the moon? That the president deserves a giant statue, one that would dwarf the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial, may be overselling the case. Hey, wait a minute. I thought I recognized your handwriting. You are a rascal Young “Barry.” You almost had me there. Good try.

You Can’t Fool Santa

Dear Board of Supervisors,

An anonymous letter to Santa asks that you authorize a Barca Lounger or similar amenity at the press table. Refreshments throughout the meetings has also been suggested for working journalists. A dark, robust Italian Roast would be much appreciated, I’m told. Fresh croissants flown in from Paris wouldn’t come amiss either, from what I hear.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Your Friend Santa Claus


Welcome to the big leagues where you’re darned if you do and darned if you don’t. In any case, you’re on the right side of history. Don’t let the b*&%#$ds get you down.

Good luck, Santa

Kim Jong Un,

Sure, I could make you 7 feet tall, get you an NBA contract, big bucks dude. In return, I want you to get rid of the nukes and maybe feed some of your people. How about it? Deal?


Dear Charlie,

Lucy Van Pelt is a very troubled person. There’s no denying it. I keep trying to get her to let you kick the damn football, but she balks every time. Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.

Love, Santa

Dear Barack,

Well, by golly. You’re one of the very few who have ever stumped me. Yes, if you hid a booger in your hand when you shook with Raul, that might make you a bit “naughty.” Whether or not it can negate the act itself, that is, “It didn’t really count because I hid a booger in my hand,” I honestly don’t know. If it was an accident, that is a “not naughty.” Gross maybe, but not “naughty.” I’m going to have to check with the Diplomatic Etiquette Elf,  and I’ll get back to you.

Best Holiday Wishes, Santa

Dear Lassie,

For the umpteenth time, Rin Tin Tin is smarter than you, and so is Flipper. The reason I know that is because those guys NEVER go jumping down a well to save anyone. That’s just dumb. They call 911 like everyone else, except you. Yes, I think it would be a good idea to take a class or two. Have a safe and sane holiday.

Love, Santa Claws

Dear Phil,

I knew King Wenceslas. He was OK, but he wasn’t that good. And Hark, i.e. in fact, I also knew Herald and he was no angel either.

Love, Clausman

Dear Everyone Who Believes,

I’ll be seeing you all in a few days. Take it easy at the office parties, slow down in the fog, make sure those stockings aren’t too close to the fireplace, and be nice to someone every day.

Love, Santa

Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday.





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