The weekly Daley: The Islamic Caliphate

By From page A6 | August 15, 2014

We’re getting all involved in Iraq again. We’re trying to save countless minority ethnic groups and minority religious groups from annihilation, and that’s a good thing.

The ISIS or ISIL or Islamic State (currently its name for itself) wants to set up an Islamic state in part of Syria and Iraq and have Sharia law and all the fixin’s’ of whatever that means. You have to be a Muslim and can’t do all kinds of stuff like watch movies or listen to music or read anything but the Koran. And you have to cover your head if you’re a man and cover your whole body if you’re a woman.

If you steal something, an Islamic clerical court will determine what your punishment must be – chopping off of the hand seems to be the traditional deterrent to being light fingered.

If you do adultery or do anything that a neighbor can report as adultery, you can be stoned to death. That your neighbor has designs on your husband and your fertile garden is not taken into consideration apparently.

Well, I say, let them have their Caliphate. I’d like to see an Islamic Caliphate. An entire country under the auspices of a self-appointed Caliph. I’d like to see that entity trying to deal with the rest of the world.

I’m reminded of a Sarah Palin line. How’s that hopey, changey thing working for you? I’d turn it around to how’s that Caliphate thingy working for you?

Who would do business with them? Standard Oil might want to if the price is right.

“Eighteen dollars a barrel? We’re in. Oh but you’ve got to quit making our engineers convert to Islam and then beheading them. Our insurance premiums are going through the roof.”

Who else would do business with them?

Disney might. Caliphate Disney. Everyone would be clad in the full Burqa. Eyes just barely showing. Selling tickets to rides like “The Jew Smacker” and “Mohammed Conquers the Turks (A Bloodbath of Fun for the Whole Family).” Kids could carry real swords and knock off any non-believers they perceive are riding the rides.

Then at the photo shop they can display the heads they severed during their morning at Caliphate Disney.

Islamic Caliphate could probably do business with Cuba. Cuba could give them a bit of sugar and the Caliphate could give the Cubans a three-year free pass on Sharia Law. In exchange, Caliphate oil would come with a special caveat that the sugar had to be harvested by converted Muslims and Cuba could demand that the oil had to be refined by bona fide socialists.

The Caliphate could advertise for people who want to live under Sharia Law and possibly attract thousands to their realm. That would be thousands of unattached men hoping somehow to woo three or four wives to their tent, after which they would confess their intent to martyr themselves soon and the wives will be on their own — until the Caliphate brokers sell them into slavery. Well, there’s a pretty short future for wives attracted by Sharia Law.

China will be interested early on. It will plan to build dams and reservoirs that will water burgeoning fields of wheat, and oats and corn and pomegranates and make a land of milk and honey. Except the Chinese are not crazy about living under Sharia Law. Something about the forced conversions and beheadings gives them pause. Not that the Chinese administration cares much, but the contractors are squeamish and their engineers and workers are beyond squeamish.

And who would want to fly on Caliphate Air? “First Choice of Holy Warriors — Check out our One-Way Specials!”

North Korea would probably be interested in gaining a foothold in the Middle East and nailing down some oil futures. Dennis Rodman may play a role in the negotiations. However, it is rumored that Kim Jong Un was heard on an open mic saying something like, “Are you kidding me? Those people are just plain nuts.”

It’s unclear how the government of a Caliphate is perpetuated. If one guy can declare himself to be the Caliph, why couldn’t another guy declare himself to be the real Caliph and have the first guy put to death in some gruesome manner? Obviously, this process could go on for a long, long time during which the people might get restless and start watching “Islamic Caliphate Has Talent” or “Shark Week” or “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.”

However it turns out, I wish the future citizens of Islamic State well. Good luck to you, and keep your head down.

Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday.

Chris Daley

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