Remember way back when, a couple of weeks ago, North Korea posed the gravest threat to the civilized world? Within days, Jodi Arias posed the gravest threat to the known world as she took center stage and knocked North Korea on its keister and off the front page. Kim Jong Un rallied briefly around the time of the Boston Marathon bombing when he had a one-night stand with Dennis Rodman.
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Jodi scratched her way back for a short-lived reign on top, but Syria’s weapons of mass destruction (alleged) kicked her to the curb once again. And North Korea, which had seemed hell-bent on initiating the apocalypse before May Day, sagged once more into its gray oblivion.
Israel started a war with Syria the other day, at least that’s what Syria said as it vowed vengeance “in its own good time.” Meanwhile the Jodi Arias case went to the jury. But wait. Suddenly bizarre events in Cleveland eclipsed everything. Casey Anthony flashed onto the news like a meteorite, but I don’t remember what it was about — something like the judge couldn’t believe Casey beat the rap. And the truth is, it takes something apocalyptic to relegate Casey Anthony to less than 48-point headlines.
Jodi was found guilty of first-degree murder late Wednesday. That will be the 48-point headlines Thursday unless I miss my guess, or unless K.J. Un launches a sneak attack on Seattle with his nuclear warhead affixed to his occasionally-guided missile.
Jodi wants the death penalty rather than life in prison. She revealed that preference during an interview with a Phoenix television station right after the verdict. I seem to remember a day when convicted people didn’t get to give TV interviews between the courtroom and the holding cell. At any rate, that could warrant 48-point headlines, unless more salacious revelations come out of Cleveland in the meantime. Admittedly, it’s hard to imagine more salacious revelations than (and trite as it seems in a family newspaper) that following her baptism into the Mormon faith, Jodi had anal sex with the boyfriend who baptized her.
The poor fellow who dropped into the Florida sinkhole while sound asleep in his bed was really a major news story for about 13 hours, as if that happens every day. His story was shunted to the back pages by the manhunt for Christopher Dornan or Casey Anthony declaring bankruptcy, which you must admit is worthy of 48-point headlines. Not long after that, North Korea threatened the world again with its nuclear might and abrogated its ceasefire with South Korea, which has been in place since Eisenhower was president. But wait. The alleged suspect No. 1 in the Boston bombing may have talked to his mom about making “jihad” on America, and she was all for it, maybe.
Now some Good Samaritan has offered his spare burial plot for Tamerlan Tsarnaev’s mortal remains which proves there’s a Good Samaritan born every day — or so.
It seems like only yesterday we were on the brink of Armageddon (not unlike what Obama’s first election and Obamacare did to us) because of the debt ceiling and the sequester was going to plant us deeper than Tamerlan’s mortal remains. Then the stock market went gaga and soared well over 15,000 for the first time ever proving once again that Armageddons are becoming as cheap as 48-point headlines.
Benghazi will be 24/7 on FOX for the next few minutes until we get word of Jodi’s sentence — life or death — either will be monster headlines unless Octomom has another set of triplets between yesterday and today. Or Lindsey Lohan goes into rehab or Casey Anthony stubs a toe. And so it goes.
Chris Daley is a staff writer and columnist for the Mountain Democrat. His column appears each Friday.