Friday, April 18, 2014
PLACERVILLE, CALIFORNIA
99 CENTS

Time out: An open letter to that terrible restaurant I ate at the other day

Dear Local Restaurant,

It surely pains me to write this, but things are not working out between us.

It’s not me, it’s you. You’ve changed and it seems like you just don’t care anymore.

You have left me no other choice but to leave you for someone who cares. We’re just not right for each other anymore.

You used to dress up for me but now it seems that your appearance is no longer a priority. I hate to say it, but you’ve really let yourself go. I mean, would it kill you to clean up every once in a while, vacuum a little, clean the cobwebs from the corners and wipe the dust off your ceiling fans? Would it?

You used to care what I thought but not anymore. You’re taking me for granted and I feel I deserve better.

You now make me wait long stretches of time for my food. You never made me wait while we were courting each other, did you?

You always smiled when I came in, refilled my beverage glass without me having to ask, took my order in a timely manner (you never hovered and always seemed to know just when I was ready), and made sure that the chef knew that my dish was a priority.

Now, I’m lucky if I get my plate within 90 minutes! I almost never feel special and wanted anymore. I feel like you don’t even want me around.

Are you embarrassed by me?

I want to talk about your food now, OK?

Don’t be offended but I know you used a microwave to prepare my salmon the other day and my brother said you served him lasagna that was still frozen solid in the center.

I mean, come on!

And the other day my friend’s French fries were so greasy his fork kept sliding off the plate. It was like watching someone try to eat live guppies with a straw.

We have had some good times, you and I, but I want to see other restaurants.

There — it is out in the open.

If you can’t handle my most basic needs and don’t think that my business is important to you then I wish you all the luck in the world, but I cannot continue to support someone who doesn’t truly care about me.

Before I end this letter, can I offer you some advice that may help you with future relationships?

Here are five basic rules of restaurant success you seem to have forgotten:

1. Have high standards. What you subscribe to, you promote.
2. Good service means your customers never have to ask for anything or wait an unreasonable amount of time, no matter how busy you are.
3. Always be consistent with the quality and preparation of your food.
4. Make sure your wait staff have personalities and encourage them to shine.
5. Always remember that folks have many, many options here in El Dorado County, but they chose you. Make their experience a pleasant and memorable one.

It’s really not that hard, is it?

Sincerely,

Earle

Earle Camembert

LEAVE A COMMENT

Discussion | 5 comments

  • James E.May 23, 2013 - 1:19 pm

    Earle, doesn't much matter unless you tell us what restaurant you're talking about. Plus, did you really have to wait 90 minutes to be served? Oh, right, a bit of sarcasm.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • EvelynMay 23, 2013 - 1:48 pm

    EDITOR / PROOFREADER - EDITOR / PROOFREADER - EDITOR / PROOFREADER - EDITOR / PROOFREADER - EDITOR / PROOFREADER: proofread title before going to print!!!

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • CherylMay 23, 2013 - 2:29 pm

    Earle, you are not doing a bit of good for restaurant or customers if you don't name names. Perhaps you should put a review on Yelp.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • R.J. CarterMay 23, 2013 - 3:16 pm

    The story really should name names.... Plus, after goggling the name Earl Camembert to read what other restaurants he's reviewed, I found it was the name of a fictional news reporter on a Canadian sketch comedy show which aired in the 1970s and 1980s...Coincidence??...Or..Maybe a pen name??....

    Reply | Report abusive comment
  • James E.May 23, 2013 - 3:33 pm

    Earle, sorry, you were obviously just lamenting the lack of service today -- not any one specific restaurant or business. I just jumped the gun.

    Reply | Report abusive comment
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